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Israel Unveils New Defense System To Deflect Accusations Of Human Rights Violations
Date:  Friday, July 25, 2014
Title:  Israel Unveils New Defense System To Deflect Accusations Of Human Rights Violations
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation's gratuitously sexual couples announce...
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Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough
Date:  Thursday, July 24, 2014
Title:  Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up...
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World Urges Israelis, Palestinians To Focus Mutual Hatred On Regions Baháí Peoples
Date:  Friday, July 18, 2014
Title:  World Urges Israelis, Palestinians To Focus Mutual Hatred On Regions Baháí Peoples
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317000000-state solution, NASA announce...
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Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs
Date:  Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Title:  Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The legendary bicycle race is on hold after excited riders discovered a secret path through a forest ...
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Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast
Date:  Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Title:  Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Dozens in California are killed after a powerful Super Rainbow burns a trail of destruction across th...
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The Onion Reviews Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Date:  Thursday, July 10, 2014
Title:  The Onion Reviews Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's F...
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Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up (Brought To You By Cottonelle)
Date:  Thursday, July 10, 2014
Title:  Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up (Brought To You By Cottonelle)
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA This 24-year-old executive has a message for young people struggling to find work: landing a job is e...
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Bored Scientists Now Just Sticking Random Things Into Large Hadron Collider
Date:  Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Title:  Bored Scientists Now Just Sticking Random Things Into Large Hadron Collider
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA One year after confirming the existence of the Higgs Boson, or "God Particle," scientists at CERN say...
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The Only Person Who Can Help Me Get A Bus To Yonkers Is You
Date:  Monday, July 07, 2014
Title:  The Only Person Who Can Help Me Get A Bus To Yonkers Is You
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Our guest speaker's car broke down and his cell phone is busted. All he needs is $12.45 and he promis...
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Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed Up
Date:  Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Title:  Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed Up
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The price of meat in the U.S. hit a record high this week after the big machine that takes all the co...
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SPONSORED: Groundbreaking Video Game Lets Players Customize Characters Genetic Code
Date:  Monday, June 30, 2014
Title:  SPONSORED: Groundbreaking Video Game Lets Players Customize Characters Genetic Code
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Video game customization reaches new heights in 'The Elder Scrolls Online' thanks to a feature that a...
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Public Opinion On Net Neutrality Fiercely Divided Into One Side
Date:  Friday, June 27, 2014
Title:  Public Opinion On Net Neutrality Fiercely Divided Into One Side
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The U.S. Government sets aside 600000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John...
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Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers Parents Beginning Trial Separation
Date:  Friday, June 27, 2014
Title:  Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers Parents Beginning Trial Separation
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA A report released Friday by the U.S. Administration for Children and Families confirmed that more tha...
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This Minnesota State Museums Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From Mary Tyler Moore Set
Date:  Thursday, June 26, 2014
Title:  This Minnesota State Museums Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From Mary Tyler Moore Set
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA According to a firm statement given Thursday by the institution's staff, this is the final offer that...
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Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season
Date:  Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Title:  Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster's discarded beard under your feet, don't worry: experts ...
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Iraqis Somehow Manage To Screw Up Functional Democracy U.S. Left Them With
Date:  Friday, June 20, 2014
Title:  Iraqis Somehow Manage To Screw Up Functional Democracy U.S. Left Them With
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA A prison rights group protests the treatment of supervillains in the nation's magnetic detainment cub...
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Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check Yes If They Have Open Sores
Date:  Friday, June 20, 2014
Title:  Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check Yes If They Have Open Sores
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dat...
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Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
Date:  Thursday, June 19, 2014
Title:  Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess w...
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Comcast Executives One-Man Show Now Mandatory Viewing For All Subscribers
Date:  Monday, June 16, 2014
Title:  Comcast Executives One-Man Show Now Mandatory Viewing For All Subscribers
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The cable giant continues to reshape the media landscape, bundling company Vice President Brandon Gra...
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Nations Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts
Date:  Thursday, June 12, 2014
Title:  Nations Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts ...
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New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game
Date:  Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Title:  New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitte...
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More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks
Date:  Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Title:  More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-sto...
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The Onion Review -- Week Of June 6, 2014
Date:  Friday, June 06, 2014
Title:  The Onion Review -- Week Of June 6, 2014
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA New EPA regulations force power plants to find 30% more loopholes by 2030, President Obama already kn...
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The Onion Looks Back At Saving Private Ryan
Date:  Thursday, June 05, 2014
Title:  The Onion Looks Back At Saving Private Ryan
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film Standar...
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Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels
Date:  Wednesday, June 04, 2014
Title:  Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels
Description:  Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA In an effort to reach out to first-time paper towel users, Procter & Gamble introduced a beginner ser...
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